Managing Challenging Behaviors: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding, Preventing & Responding with Confidence

Why Kids Have Challenging Behaviors

Challenging behaviors such as throwing toys, refusing transitions and public meltdowns can leave any parent feeling overwhelmed. But here’s the good news: all behavior serves a purpose, and understanding that purpose is the key to meaningful change. This function-based approach, widely used in ABA therapy, helps parents respond with compassion, consistency, and effectiveness.

What Causes Challenging Behavior? The Four Main Behavior Functions

Every behavior, even the most difficult, occurs for a reason. Children typically engage in behavior to:

1. Gain Access to Something They Want

• Attention from a parent

• A favorite toy

• A preferred activity

2. Escape or Avoid Something Difficult

• A non-preferred task

• Overstimulating environments

• Challenging instructions

3. Get Sensory Input

• The physical sensation of throwing

• The sound or vibration of screaming

4. Communicate a Need

Especially common for children with limited language skills.

Example: When four-year-old Mia screams during circle time, she may be trying to escape a task, seeking sensory feedback, or trying to get individualized attention.

How to Identify the “Why” Behind a Behavior

Understanding the function of a behavior gives you the roadmap for change. Ask yourself:

• What happened right before the behavior?

• What did my child gain or avoid after the behavior?

Tracking patterns for a few days can reveal powerful insights.

Teaching Replacement Behaviors That Actually Work

Once you identify the behavior function, you can teach your child a more appropriate behavior that meets the same need.

Examples of Effective Replacement Behaviors

• If your child hits for attention: Teach tapping your shoulder or using a simple phrase like “Look!”

• If they throw items to escape tasks: Teach asking for a break or help.

• If they seek sensory input: Offer a safe sensory tool such as a fidget, chewable item, or stress ball.

Pro Tip: Choose a replacement behavior that’s easier than the challenging one. For a child with limited speech, a break card is more realistic than a full verbal request.

Why Consistency Is the Secret Ingredient

Behavior change won’t work if responses vary between caregivers or situations. If tantrums sometimes delay bedtime and other times don’t, the behavior will persist or intensify.

How to Stay Consistent

• Create a written response plan.

• Share it with all caregivers.

• Post visual reminders where you’ll need them.

Consistency isn’t easy, but it’s essential.

Real World Example: A Replacement Behavior Success Story

James bites his hand when overwhelmed by loud noises, seeking deep pressure sensory input. His parents taught him to squeeze a stress ball instead. They:

• Prompted him when biting began

• Offered the ball proactively in noisy settings

Within three weeks, James began reaching for the stress ball independently, showing how replacement behaviors can quickly become new habits.

Understanding Extinction Bursts (and How to Get Through Them)

When a behavior no longer “works,” it may get worse before it gets better. This is called an extinction burst.

How to Prepare

• Plan for additional support or respite

• Have calming activities ready for yourself

• Track behavior frequency so you can see progress over time

These temporary spikes are normal and a sign the process is working.

Safety First: Handling Harmful or Dangerous Behaviors

When safety is at risk, immediate intervention is essential. But keep the function in mind.

Safe Responses

• Block dangerous actions

• Calmly redirect to the replacement behavior

• Avoid reacting in ways that might reinforce the behavior

• Use prepared tools (break cards, sensory items, visual aids)

Managing Public Meltdowns Without Panic

Preparation makes all the difference.

Create a Portable Behavior Toolkit

• Communication cards

• Sensory items

• A written response plan

• Snacks or comfort items

Practice in easier environments before moving to more challenging ones like busy stores.

Supporting Siblings During Challenging Behavior Episodes

Siblings often feel scared or frustrated. Including them in the process helps everyone feel more secure.

Teach Siblings to:

• Stay safe

• Get an adult

• Model calm responses

Celebrate their patience and understanding. Positive reinforcement works for everyone.

Tools & Resources to Improve Behavior Skills

For parents wanting deeper knowledge:

• Request Functional Behavior Assessment (FBA) training from your ABA provider

• Recommended reads: The Incredible 5-Point Scale by Kari Dunn Buron

• Online learning: Courses in Positive Behavior Support (PBS)

• Parent workshops: Many ABA centers offer hands-on behavior training

Tracking Progress: Small Wins Matter

Behavior that worked for years won’t disappear overnight. But small steps lead to long-term success.

Look for signs of progress:

• Shorter tantrums

• More frequent use of replacement behaviors

• Longer calm periods

• Better ability to transition

These changes, even when subtle, mean your child is learning new skills.

Conclusion: Compassion + Consistency = Long-Term Change for Managing Challenging Behaviors

Managing challenging behaviors isn’t about punishment, it’s about understanding, teaching, and supporting your child through their development.

Your consistency, patience, and empathy show your child that all feelings are valid and that there are healthier, more effective ways to express them. These skills will support them not just today, but throughout their lives.